Still Trying to Belong
I’ve had a lot of experience being by myself. I’ve moved away from my friends and family and lived in three different provinces for extended periods of time. After graduation, I left on what I thought would be an adventure to begin my studies and a career in agriculture. Within a short time, the loneliness became overwhelming.
I’m a very independent person, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need people in my life. One thing I don’t think I’ll ever get used to is eating at restaurants by myself. I’m not a very outgoing person, so just entering a restaurant alone is incredibly difficult for me. I usually pretend not to mind and just focus on my cellphone, but eventually I have to put the phone down and acknowledge the fact that I’m eating at a table with no one sitting across from me.
It isn’t only in restaurants. A close friend once texted me while at an airport, explaining how odd it was that she felt alone in a crowd of people. I don’t think I told her, but I remember thinking about how often I get that same feeling. She went on to say, “there are people all around me, interacting with each other, having fun together: but I’m sitting here alone.”
There are people all around me, interacting with each other, having fun together: but I’m sitting here alone.
I think that some of the loneliness I feel comes from my age. I’m not at the point where I’m completely independent, but I’m independent enough to do things on my own, go places on my own, live on my own. Sometimes I feel that I grew up too fast and that’s why I’m stuck in this awkward in-between place.
I have a lot of friends and family in my life - I’m more fortunate than most - but I lack the deep intimate connections with people that I once had. In high school when “friends” were all around me, there was always someone sitting beside me to talk to. When I began to grow up and move on with my life, those people became more distant, and just couldn’t satisfy the emptiness I was feeling.
I had a hole in my life that I felt could only be filled by people, but then I would feel most alone when I was with people. The loneliness caused me to feel insignificant, unsatisfied, depressed, and at times I had thoughts of suicide. I couldn’t find any solutions.
It wasn’t until I went through some complex and painful experiences that I realized the void in my life could not be filled by people. My struggle didn’t just go away; on the contrary, I still feel alone and long for deep relationships. But I have discovered that no matter how I feel, I’m not alone. Not in these feelings anyway. If you are struggling with feeling alone, leave your information below and someone from our team will connect with you shortly. We can face this together.