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Alcohol never forced itself into my hand. It never pushed its way down my throat. And it never asked to be abused by me. Those choices were all mine.
In grade three a friend told me, "I can't sleep over because my parents say your mom and dad are drunks." That was the moment it hit me: my family isn't normal.
The American dream was lining up for us. We were living the life. But there was still this unhappiness, like a buzz in the background that never went away.
I was always counting down the days until I could get my prescription refilled. Eventually it came to the point where pills became the most important thing in my life.
Anytime life got to be more than I could bear, I found comfort knowing food was available to me when I wanted it. I would eat even when I wasn’t hungry.
My life spun out of control. I lost two homes and nearly lost my marriage because of my addiction.
When he was late for work, when checks bounced, when he was caught in a lie, I blamed everything but the pills.
The one person who I assumed considered me unique, irreplaceable, and desirable was choosing to channel his sexual energy towards a screen instead of me.
For the entire two years I was trapped in my destructive addiction, I didn't know even one female who also struggled with it.
The intimacy porn promised was proving to be an illusion. I was trapped, wanting the fix without the consequences – the pleasure without feeling ashamed.
It was the need for sex that prompted my reckless drinking. That way I wouldn’t remember the deplorable things I had done to gain the attention of a guy.
Discovering your husband is checking out porn can be a gut-punch. It is a violation of trust so it is no wonder if you feel betrayed, angry, or hurt. Or maybe right now you are just numb and bewildered. Here is the good news. The two of you can get beyond this. Other couples have.